The Problem with Tests

In A Bronx Tale, Sonny tells young Calogero about the “door test” – watching whether a girl unlocks your door after you let her in the car. Sonny says if she doesn’t reach over to unlock your side, she’s not worth your time.

The door test is clever, but it has a problem: tests feel like traps. They can erode trust before it even starts. You don’t need to engineer scenarios to figure out if someone has good character. Instead, tune into the unscripted moments life already provides. Character shows up in normal life, not in tricks you design.

What You’re Actually Looking For

People with good character treat relationships like tools that make life easier for everyone involved. Self-serving people treat relationships like traps where they can take more than they give.

Spot the difference by observing three things: how they handle favors, how they treat powerless people, and how they end relationships. Each one reveals whether someone sees you as a person or as something to use.

Sign #1: How They Handle Favors

When someone does something nice for you, they create a “debt” – you owe them one. Watch what happens when you owe them.

The generous kind: They see the favor as helping you get through something. When you return the favor later, things feel balanced. They helped you move, you helped them paint their room, and now neither of you owes the other anything. The favor was a gift, not a loan.

The self-serving kind: They see the favor as a trap. They help you move, then bring it up constantly when they want something. “Remember when I helped you move? So you should…” They weaponize kindness. They rig the scoreboard so they’re perpetually ahead.

Note: Not all score-keeping is bad – close friends naturally keep track of who’s helped who. The difference is whether it stays roughly balanced or whether one person engineers constant imbalance.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

• At school: You borrow someone’s notes. Good sign: They’re happy when you return them and don’t bring it up again. Bad sign: “I let you borrow my notes, so you should let me copy your homework.”
• With rides: Someone gives you a ride home. Good sign: When you offer gas money or give them a ride later, you’re even. Bad sign: “I’ve given you so many rides, so you owe me…”
• Online: They share your post once. Good sign: That’s it – they did you a favor. Bad sign: They demand you promote everything they post forever after.
• At work: They cover your shift once. Good sign: When you cover theirs later, you’re square. Bad sign: They guilt you into covering multiple shifts in return.

Ask yourself: Does the favor feel like a gift or a loan with interest?

Sign #2: How They Treat Powerless People

This is the most important test, because power imbalances strip away social masks. Watch how someone acts toward people who can’t do anything for them.

The rule: People with good character treat waiters, janitors, substitute teachers, and younger kids with respect. Self-serving people treat these same people dismissively or with contempt.

Why This Matters

When someone has power over another person – they’re older, richer, stronger, or have higher status – they have a choice. They can use that power to make life harder for the person below them, or they can use it to make life easier.

Good character: They protect people with less power. The senior who tells freshmen where their classes are. The kid with money who doesn’t make their broke friend feel bad. The strong kid who stops bullies instead of joining them.

Bad character: They use their power to take advantage. They’re rude to people who can’t fight back. They’re nice to the principal but mean to the substitute teacher. They only care about people who can help them.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

• At a restaurant: Good character says “please” and “thank you” to the server. Bad character treats them like furniture.
• In class: Good character is respectful to substitute teachers. Bad character sees a sub as permission to act terrible.
• With younger kids: Good character includes them or kindly explains why not. Bad character mocks them for being younger.
• In online games: Good character helps new players learn the ropes. Bad character harasses them for being bad.
• With delivery drivers: Good character meets them at the door and says thanks. Bad character makes them wait and doesn’t acknowledge them.

Pay attention to this pattern. Someone might be incredibly nice to you because you’re useful to them. But watch how they treat the kid nobody likes, the janitor, the new student who doesn’t speak English well. That’s who they really are – because true character shines (or dims) when there’s no audience or reward.

Important note: One bad interaction doesn’t define someone – we all have bad days. Look for patterns. Does someone consistently treat powerless people poorly? That’s the revealing part.

Sign #3: How They End Relationships

Eventually, some friendships die. You grow apart, move to different schools, develop different interests. Watch how people navigate endings.

Good character: They’re honest about it, even though it’s awkward. They don’t ghost you but also don’t fake a friendship that’s over. “Hey, we don’t really hang out anymore, and that’s okay.” They let relationships end with dignity. Sometimes these honest endings even allow for amicable reconnections later.

Bad character: They keep dead friendships alive for appearances, or they vanish completely. They act like you’re still close because it looks good on social media, but they never actually want to hang out. Or they ghost you without explanation – unfollowing, leaving group chats, ignoring DMs. Both options are dishonest – one is fake friendship theater, the other is avoidance.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

• Growing apart: You and a friend used to be close but now have nothing in common. Good sign: You both acknowledge it and move on respectfully. Bad sign: You pretend to be best friends on Instagram but never talk in real life.
• One-sided ending: Someone decides they don’t want to be friends anymore. Good sign: They tell you, even though it’s uncomfortable. Bad sign: They just stop responding to your messages and avoid you in the halls.
• Digital drift: Good sign: They might keep you on social media but stop pretending you’re close. Bad sign: They keep you in group chats but ignore your DMs, or they unfollow without a word.

Notice the connection: How someone ends relationships often reveals whether they saw you as a tool (useful while it lasted) or a person (deserving of honesty even when it’s hard).

Why This Matters More Than Grades or Sports

You can be smart and have terrible character. You can be athletic and be a cruel person. But character determines whether people can trust you, whether friendships last, and whether you make life better or worse for people around you.

The kids who understand this early end up with better friendships, better relationships, and better lives. The kids who don’t understand this end up surrounded by people but lacking true connections – lonely, even if they’re successful.

Research consistently shows that strong relationships predict happiness more than career success or money. Prioritizing character now – both in yourself and in choosing friends – sets you up for a network that supports you through life’s ups and downs.

Quick Reference Guide

When someone helps you, ask yourself:

• Does the favor feel like a gift or a loan with interest?
• Do they bring it up constantly? (Bad sign)
• Or do they seem happy when you return the favor and move on? (Good sign)

When you’re with them, notice:

• How do they treat people who can’t do anything for them? (This is who they really are)
• Are they nice to people in power but dismissive to people below them? (Pattern of using people)
• Do they protect or exploit power imbalances? (The clearest character test)

When a friendship is ending, watch:

• Do they acknowledge reality or pretend everything’s fine? (Honesty vs. theater)
• Do they ghost you or have an awkward but real conversation? (Avoidance vs. courage)
• Can they end something with dignity? (Maturity test)

The Bottom Line

You don’t need to set up tests like Sonny’s door test. Just observe how people handle favors, power, and endings. People tell you who they are every single day if you know what to look for.

Character isn’t complicated. It’s about whether someone makes life easier or harder for the people around them, especially the people who can’t do anything for them in return.

You learn the truth of people not in moments they plan, but in moments they forget you’re watching.

Surround yourself with those who pass these everyday tests. And remember – you’re revealing your own character in these moments too.