Why People Ghost — and How to Get Over It

“If a friendship feels like too much work, maybe it is. The good ones shouldn’t feel like a chore on your to-do list, or that one side is doing all the communicating). Sometimes the best course is to let someone go, even if you were once close. Growing apart can be a friendship’s natural evolution; ditto for lovers, an even touchier discourse. But it’s the way you let go that matters…

…’Being vulnerable is the number one thing that creates intimacy between people and if you worry about being hurt all the time, you’re not able to be vulnerable and it affects the quality of connection.'”

—Adam Popescu, “Why People Ghost — and How to Get Over It.” The New York Times. January 22, 2018.

3 thoughts on “Why People Ghost — and How to Get Over It

  1. I think you will find the book very interesting….. and you will see why most people don’t want to really ‘hear’ what he is saying. Like the sign one of my last blogs “Recalculating”:)

  2. I find this whole ‘ghosting’ phenomenon really fascinating….not that it hasn’t gone on forever but it is much easier to do these days with electronic communication. I worked at YVR for many years and I remember checking in a young man who was returning to Australia, problem was he confessed to me that at the very moment his plane would be lifting off the ground, his wedding would be taking place somewhere in Vancouver. I tried to convince him to contact his fiance, no idea if he did….ever.

    Loved the ghosting of the coffee, only a writer would put those two things together. 🙂

    And your other piece with ‘the visitors’ bit, I have been pondering this whole relationship thing for a while now.:)
    Recently I have become quite enamoured with Jung and all things Jungian. There is a Jungian Analyst called James Hollis who has written a number of books, one of them being The Eden Project. This comes the closest to anything I have been able to figure out of how we humans (at least those of us in western society) that have been steeped in ‘romantic’ love, movies, song etc. can somehow find our way off this never ending merry go round of romanticism.

    He refers to ‘projection’ and the fact that we are looking for a ‘magical other’ who doesn’t actually exist. This might seem like a bit of a let down for some, fantasy is always a comforting default, but really as I think it all through his theory really takes people to a much richer place of relationship.
    A place where there would never be ‘ghosting’ because even if the relationship turned out to be a short or even longer ‘visit’ when it was time to leave the mutual respect and understanding between the two people would never allow for a departure without a verbal discussion and understanding.

    Anyway, food for thought, another very interesting topic.

    1. The happily ever after, the “soul mate”, etc. are all escapism. They hide the fact that all relationships are imperfect. They change, and they require work. Every relationship of any depth is going to end up with you doing things you don’t want to do.

      Electronic devices are something we all have and can relate to, but it’s mostly a trivial example. Anyone who has had a serious illness knows real life ghosting. It’s can make a tough situation worse when support we were counting on isn’t there when we expect it.

      I’ll check out Hollis’ book. It looks right up my alley. Thanks!

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