Tag: children

Teacher Tom & Transformation

~ cafebedouin ~ 2 Comments

…without pain, without struggle, without anguish, discomfort and fear, transformation is impossible…Real learning, which is to say, transformation from a state of ignorance to one of enlightenment, is in reality more of a lurching, spiraling, ebb and flow, full of peaks and valleys, and yes, pain and suffering. Those of us in the world of play-based learning, myself included, tend to become fixated on the joy, but in reality, we know the much of the greatest learning comes through falls, disappointments, and failure, because we are not in the business of schooling, but rather transformation…

…Genuine growth and transformation most often come through pain and struggle. We must lose aspects of our old self, our old life, as we become new, and that is always at least uncomfortable. I’ve taught myself a mantra to recall, even as I’m tending to the physical and psychological bumps and bruises of young children: when someone is crying, someone is learning. Perhaps not in that moment of acute pain, of course, but in the struggle of transformation that inevitably comes on the other side, even if it’s only the conclusion, Well, I won’t do that again.”

-Teacher Tom, “Struggle Is Essential To Transformation.” teachertomsblog.blogspot.com. October 16, 2022.

I have just learned of this lovely blog. Teacher Tom is an elementary school teacher and his writing is wonderful. I figured it was worth noting and recommending for those who, like me, hadn’t heard of him before this week.

The World Needs Uncles, Too

~ cafebedouin

I’m never having children. It’s a decision I made at a very young age and have never wavered from. There are a number of things I can point to in my childhood that led me to this decision. The town I lived in when I was young had the highest teenage pregnancy rate per capita in the entire state, which means I grew up doing my damndest to avoid procreating. My own parents were married when they had me, just to different people, meaning that my mere existence definitely complicated things for both of them. The list goes on. The end result is that I’m not having kids, no matter how many people tell me—as they did when I was a teenager, in my early twenties, late twenties, thirties, and still now, as I approach 40—”Oh, you just wait. You’ll be a father soon.” Simply stated, for a plethora of reasons, from emotional to financial, raising another human being full-time is not for me…

…To be fair, in certain ways, not having a child is a very selfish act on my part: it allows me great financial freedom, the ability to travel more and focus on my own life, instead of doing my damnedest to raise a healthy little one. But the non-selfish part of not having children for me is that I can literally show up for people who need the help, especially in this country where healthcare and finances don’t make it easy to raise a child. That’s absolutely a problem in this country, but a problem I alone will not be able to solve.

Come read your kid Fox In Socks for the hundredth time while you take a work call, though? That I can do.”

-Isaac Fitzgerald, “The World Needs Uncles, Too.” Esquire. July 7, 2022

Suggesting Zoltar as a baby name probably verges on a disqualification for parenthood. But, I found much here I was sympathetic with. True of aunts, grandparents, et al, too.

Sympathy for the Autistic / Being Autistic

~ cafebedouin

“Having any child is a life-changing experience. Having one who isn’t like you, though, is also a learning experience. I think I cried when it fully sunk in that “childhood wonder” is a real and short-lived thing for allistic children, and I did a double take recently when my wife stated that soon our son’s emotions would open wide up. He’s already more emotional than I ever have been!

On a day-to-day basis, my son is a lot more talkative than I ever was. He seldom wants to play with toys unless he can do so with other people . . . and he plays in a completely different way. He wants to have the characters talk, and often he wants to narrate the entire “story” telling me what my characters do, as well…

…Both of them are also way more comfortable asking me for things than I am with doing the same. The issue is, they tend to be extremely vague.

My life is punctuated with “Can you do something for me?”, “Can I have a favor?”, “I’m hungry.” , “Can you do it for me?”, “Can you get it for me?”, “Daddy, can you play with me?”, “I’m lonely. Can you be with me for a bit?”

If there’s one very important thing I’ve learned from having a neurotypical child, it’s this:

Independence is not something you are going to have with an NT child. They need a lot of attention.”

-Jaime A. Heidel, “What Is It Like for An Autistic Parent to Raise a Non-Autistic Child?” neuroclastic.com. June 26, 2019.

There are occasions, such as when reading this, when I find I am very much in sympathy with the autistic perspective. This is not just an issue with children, but people in general. They are emotional. Frequently people are asking for something from those around them that assumes you know what they want. They always want to be together. Frequently, people don’t want to be responsible for their own problems.

The funny bit is how I use “they” in the preceding paragraph. Largely, I do not need to be around people. I only ask for help when there is no other way to get something done. I am not going to talk about myself or my emotions. All of which points to the possibility that perhaps I’m on the spectrum?

The strange bit is when around children, and their torrent of emotions, I find I’m much more sympathetic than when I’m with adults. Adults hide their pain and often lash out. Children will show it, and then you can tell them, “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m not used to being around small children.” They, rarely hearing such an admission from an adult, often feel much better after. Truly, I’m not trying to hurt their feelings. While this is also true of adults, it’s much harder to recognize that you have hurt an adult’s feelings, and even more difficult to say you didn’t mean to do it.

The Referendum

~ cafebedouin

“The Referendum is a phenomenon typical of (but not limited to) midlife, whereby people, increasingly aware of the finiteness of their time in the world, the limitations placed on them by their choices so far, and the narrowing options remaining to them, start judging their peers’ differing choices with reactions ranging from envy to contempt. The Referendum can subtly poison formerly close and uncomplicated relationships, creating tensions between the married and the single, the childless and parents, careerists and the stay-at-home. It’s exacerbated by the far greater diversity of options available to us now than a few decades ago, when everyone had to follow the same drill. We’re all anxiously sizing up how everyone else’s decisions have worked out to reassure ourselves that our own are vindicated — that we are, in some sense, winning….

….Quite a lot of what passes itself off as a dialogue about our society consists of people trying to justify their own choices as the only right or natural ones by denouncing others’ as selfish or pathological or wrong. So it’s easy to overlook that hidden beneath all this smug certainty is a poignant insecurity, and the naked 3 A.M. terror of regret.”

-Tim Kreider, “The Referendum.” The New York Times. September 17, 2009.

This is so good, h/t Austin Kleon. Also, this line: “It’s not as if being married means you’re any less alone.”

African Polyandry

~ cafebedouin

“In polyandry, the woman often initiates the relationships, and invites the husbands to join her union. Some pay the bride price, others opt to contribute to her livelihood. She has the power to remove a co-husband if she believes he is destabilising her other relationships.

Prof Machoko said love was the main reason the men he interviewed said they had agreed to be co-husbands. They did not want to risk losing their wife.

Some men also referred to the fact that they did not satisfy their wives sexually, agreeing to the suggestion of a co-husband to avoid divorce or affairs.

Another reason was infertility – some men consented to the wife taking another husband so that she could have children. In this way, the men ‘saved face’ in public and avoided being stigmatised as ’emasculated’.”

-Pumza Fihlani, “Outcry over South Africa’s multiple husbands proposal.” BBC. June 27, 2021

What’s good for the goose….

The basic idea is this: people should live as seems best to them. If that involves a man and a woman, two men, two women, or multiple men and/or women, who cares? Designate a family union as a contract, and any children born or adopted by parties to that contract are parents. It’s not difficult to implement, and it is clean conceptually. Further, the whole world doesn’t have to live by the ethics of pastoral people from the Middle East from 1500 years or more ago. We can create new family structures beyond the traditional ones, and in the case of polyamory, the fact that more people are involved even creates the possibility of more stable structures where when one person leaves, the union can possibly continue.

Hippos & Armadillos

~ cafebedouin

“Boynton’s books work best when they address adults and children together. In But Not the Hippopotamus, the title character does not partake in other animals’ activities: “A hog and a frog cavort in a bog. But not the hippopotamus.” At the end, the group invites her to join and she agrees: “But YES the hippopotamus!” Joy and comfort seem assured. Yet, just then, on the final page: “But not the armadillo.” Like all good literature, it leaves interpretation to the reader…For years, readers begged for a follow-up that would resolve the matter. Last year, she finally gave in and published But Not the Armadillo. After pages of gratifying, mostly solitary activities—napping, strolling, picking cranberries—the book invokes the earlier story’s ending: “A happy hippo dashes by. She wants to run and play. But not the armadillo. No. He goes the other way.” Don’t sit out if you want to join in—that’s the hippo’s lesson. But equally valuable is the armadillo’s: You don’t have to take part if you don’t want to.”

—Ian Bogost, “Sandra Boynton’s Captivating Universe.” The Atlantic. November 2019.

Why Is It So Important For You to Have a Baby? Quiz

~ cafebedouin

“Number a sheet of paper from 1 to 70. Beside each number rate how important each statement is to you. Zero (0) means that the statement is not very important or is least descriptive of you. Five (5) means that the statement is very important or very descriptive of you. Use the numbers between 0 and 5 to show graduations between these extremes. If the statement doesn’t seem to apply to your situation, place an X beside it. There are no right or wrong answers. Have your spouse take the evaluation separately. Then compare the two answer sheets and discuss where you agree and differ.”

—Why Is It So Important For You to Have a Baby?

Engineering Gift Guide – Purdue University

~ cafebedouin

“The 2018 Engineering Gift Guide from Purdue University is filled with fun toys, games, books, and applications to engage girls and boys ages 3-18 in engineering thinking and design. Items included in the guide go through an extensive review process. Researchers looked for toys that would promote engineering practices ranging from coding and spatial reasoning to problem solving and critical thinking.”

—Engineering Gift Guide