“It might sound morbid, but it’s worth beginning with the end in mind. Specifically, your funeral. Simply ask yourself: “What would I feel good about someone saying in my eulogy?” Think about what you’d like a family member, a close friend, a distant relative, or a co-worker, to say at your funeral.
This method helps us understand the question of “What do I value?” from other people’s perspective. At your funeral, even your co-workers would be unlikely to say, “He helped us close lots of million-dollar deals.” They’d talk about how you were as a person—your relationships, your character, your hobbies. And they’d talk about the positive impact you had on the world, not how much money you made for your employer.
Now apply what you’ve learned to your life today. What does the life you want people to remember in a few decades mean for the life you should build now? So having started in this cheerful place, let’s bring things a little closer to home.”
-Nir Eyal, “The Ultimate Guide to Unstoppable Motivation.” nirandfar.com. December 26, 2023
The problem with the eulogy method is that it starts with the assumption that the perceptions of others are what motivate you. Perhaps I am unusual in this way of thinking, but funerals are for the living. It is to help the living come to terms with a hole that has been cut into their lives by the sudden absence that a death brings. It’s not for the dead.
In most instances, funerals are a lie told to comfort the living. It focuses on the good qualities of the deceased. It ignores the bad qualities. It is based on other people’s perceptions, which are shaped by their own narratives. It has no bearing on the truth.
Let’s reframe this suggestion. Let’s imagine that you are the last in line. When you die, there will be no one to bury you. No one that remembers anything you did. There is no external source that is going to validate your choices. What will you do then, when you have no legacy, no long term significance?
That’s a lesson worth learning. Each of us is nobody, going nowhere. Even Shakespeare, and his writings, will eventually be lost in time. But, we can experience Shakespeare now. The fact that Shakespeare will be gone, in the future, does not detract from the fact that we can read what he wrote now.
I think this is true of everyone. It’s all theory of visitors. We have this moment. We have this shared time together. Can we not value the moment, without having some idea about producing something, turning an encounter into a statement about our beliefs and values? The whole eulogy frame is broken, a railroad track guiding you not to real values but to a predetermined number of ways of living that ultimately depend on projecting a persona, a false self.
Is it not better to think there isn’t a self, or at least if there is one, one without any consequence?
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