What this is:
A quick way to figure out which collaboration skill you need to work on right now. Not a diagnosis—just a mirror to see where you’re getting stuck.
Why it matters:
Sometimes conversations feel hard, but we don’t know why. This helps you identify the specific thing that needs attention.
Understanding This Practice
You’re not learning these skills to fix other people.
You’re learning them to build your own capacity to remain stable in chaos.
Think of it like physical training:
- You don’t resent the weights for being heavy
- You don’t expect the treadmill to run for you
- You’re not superior to people who don’t train
Difficult conversations are your training equipment.
When someone:
- Won’t listen → Practice ground for MIRROR
- Makes assumptions → Practice ground for CHECK
- Avoids disagreement → Practice ground for CONTRARY
- Is emotionally volatile → Practice ground for dignity preservation
This isn’t about them getting better. It’s about you building capacity.
The person who won’t reciprocate isn’t failing—they’re providing exactly the conditions you need to train.
This doesn’t mean you don’t care about them. You’re practicing maintaining both:
- Your stability (the capacity you’re building)
- Their dignity (the ethical boundary that keeps this practice, not manipulation)
You’re not there to fix them or teach them the framework. But you’re also not using them callously—you remain genuinely present to their experience while building your capacity to stay grounded in chaos.
The distinction:
- ❌ Instrumental use: “I don’t care about you; you’re just my training dummy”
- ✅ Training-ground practice: “I care about your dignity; I’m not attached to you changing”
The training-ground frame prevents resentment (“they should reciprocate”) without creating detachment (“I don’t care about their experience”).
✅ Seven Quick Questions
Read each one. Notice which feels most true right now.
1. Do you know when you’re running out of energy?
If yes: You can sense your limits before hitting them.
If no: Start here: Capacity Honesty — Practice noticing “I’m at 70%” before you crash.
2. Do you know what you’re trying to accomplish in tough conversations?
If yes: You can name your goal clearly (“I want to understand” vs “I want them to agree”).
If no: Start here: Intent Clarity — Before responding, ask yourself “What am I actually trying to do?”
3. Can you stay calm when someone challenges you?
If yes: You can hear disagreement without getting defensive.
If no: Start here: Dignity Preservation (Self) — Practice pausing before reacting when you feel attacked.
4. Can you repeat back what someone said before responding?
If yes: You naturally check understanding before replying.
If no: Start here: MIRROR — Try “So you’re saying [X]?” before giving your view.
5. Do you catch yourself making assumptions?
If yes: You notice when you’re filling in gaps and check them.
If no: Start here: CHECK — When something feels confusing, say “I’m assuming [X], is that right?”
6. Can you disagree without making it personal?
If yes: You can say “I see it differently” without tension escalating.
If no: Start here: CONTRARY — Practice “I understand your view, AND here’s mine…”
7. Can you tell when someone else is getting overwhelmed?
If yes: You notice subtle signals of exhaustion or frustration in others.
If no: Start here: Dignity Sensitivity (Other) — Watch for: shorter answers, withdrawn posture, longer pauses.
🎯 What to Do Next
Pick the first “no” you noticed. That’s your starting point—the capacity you’re building.
This week, use difficult conversations as training:
- Notice when this skill would have been useful (just observe, don’t judge)
- Try it once in a conversation where someone provides the practice conditions
- Check: Did your capacity increase? Did you stay present, or override?
Remember: They’re not supposed to reciprocate. They’re the training equipment. Heavy weights don’t lift themselves—that’s what makes them useful for building strength.
💭 Extra Thoughts
- You don’t have to fix everything at once
- “No” answers aren’t failures—they’re starting points
- Skills build on each other (if you can’t do #1-3, start there before 4-7)
- Some days are harder than others—that’s normal
🧘 Somatic Check: Are You Practicing or Performing?
How to know if you’re building capacity vs. bypassing:
When you use your chosen lens, check your body:
| Lens | What Heealthy Practice Feels Like | Bypass/Override Feels Like |
| MIRROR | Genuine curiosity; relaxed jaw/shoulders | Performing reflection; tight chest |
| CHECK | Comfortable with uncertainty; soft belly | Anxious questioning; held breath |
| CONTRARY | Grounded disagreement; stable stance | Aggressive challenge; throat tension |
| EDGE | Clear statement from center; steady voice | Pushing hard; locked knees/jaw |
| DIGNITY | Pause when you notice violation; slowed pace | Override signals; push through numbness |
If you’re performing the technique but your body is contracted: You’re practicing from override, not capacity. Pause, breathe, try again when you can stay present.
This is normal. Learning to distinguish genuine practice from performance is part of the training.
⚠️ Critical Boundary Check
If you notice yourself:
- Practicing while your body is chronically contracted
- Overriding dignity violations to “keep practicing”
- Feeling drained rather than stronger after sessions
- Using the framework to justify staying in harmful relationships
You’re not training—you’re enabling.
The right response is not “practice harder.” It’s “exit this context.”
Training equipment that injures you isn’t useful. Relationships that violate dignity aren’t practice grounds—they’re situations requiring boundary enforcement or exit.
Remember:
These aren’t rules you follow. They’re tools you use when conversations get hard.
You’re not here to fix people. You’re here to build capacity.
The chaos doesn’t go away—you get stronger at navigating it.
🌱 Signs Your Practice Is Healthy (After 8-12 Weeks)
How to know if training-ground practice is working:
✓ Increased capacity – You can stay present in chaos longer without dysregulation
✓ Decreased resentment – You genuinely don’t need reciprocity; the practice sustains itself
✓ Embodied presence – You use lenses while feeling connected to your body, not performing from override
✓ Boundary clarity – You can distinguish “good training ground” from “relationship that should end”
✓ Contagious stability – Others report conversations feel different, without knowing why
✓ Joy in difficulty – There’s aliveness in the practice, not just grim endurance
✓ Spontaneous recognition – You notice lens patterns “in the wild” without trying (Adventure Time Test)
✓ Clean exits – You can leave contexts that aren’t serving practice without guilt or judgment
If these aren’t emerging: The practice needs adjustment (different lens, different context, or exit current situation).
Lineage
Adapted from Claude’s Framework Stack synthesis (2025-10), reframed as a practitioner-first diagnostic. Integrates the Foundation + Mechanical layers of the skill taxonomy into a one-page actionable self-check.
