Tag: loving-kindness

Turning the Other Cheek & Loving-Kindness

~ cafebedouin

“And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also.”

-Luke 6:29 (KJV)

There’s a common phenomena, where people do not like you, your ideas or whatever, and you come into conflict. Perhaps you say something that they disagree with. If you are online, if you hold any opinion, there is someone, somewhere who will disagree with you. Or, even if they do agree, they might misinterpret what you have said. They will turn what you say into a strawman, and then they will attack it, and by proxy, they are attacking you.

Normally, when I think of “turning the other cheek”, I think of physical violence. But, it occurs to me today that it is more interesting to think about it in terms of disagreement. Paul Graham, in his essay “How to Disagree,” outlines levels of disagreement:

  • DH0: Name calling
  • DH1: Ad Hominem
  • DH2: Responding to Tone
  • DH3: Contradiction
  • DH4: Counterargument
  • DH5: Refutation
  • DH6: Refuting the Central Point

Name calling, ad hominem, responding to tone and contradiction are the most common types of disagreement. People often look to attack another person’s insecurities. Responding to a statement like, “You’re stupid!” is in a way confirming that you are worried about being, or looking to an audience, smart. “No, you’re stupid!” validates the claim as worth responding to and scores a point, in the status games people play. Since you’ve responding in kind, you’ve also validated that this response is an appropriate one.

There are many ways to turn the other cheek. You might respond by referring to the cultural norms of communication: “That’s not a nice thing to say.” You could choose to ignore the statement entirely. There are some actions that may look like turning the other cheek, but aren’t, such as saying: “I hope saying these bad things about me makes you feel better.” And so on.

There are underlying status games in these kinds of conversations. They are aimed at an audience. But, who is the audience? In many cases, we are the audience. We are judging ourselves.

The great thing about online discussions are that the stakes are so low. It’s a great training ground, because most of the conversations are with people we do not know in social environments that will either cease to exist or completely change in a few years. Very little is of any real consequence. So, it is an opportunity to practice, to refine our technique.

But, we should always remember that there is a person on the other side. It is not merely a question of “turning the other cheek”, it is a question of how can I respond more skillfully. Offering the other cheek or our coat is also more than simply absorbing violence without reciprocating. It is responding to the need of the other person in that moment, to the degree that we can. It is getting to the point where we can bypass our instinctive response to reciprocate, absorbing the conflict and using it as fuel for our practice that transcends our brittle egos. Done well, we might be able to return something positive.

I’ve not reached that point. My tendency is to ignore stupid comments and leave bad environments. But, transforming these situations into positives is the real challenge. How can we respond, not only by offering the other cheek, but emphasizing with the suffering of our attacker, feeling loving-kindness toward them and the circumstances that gave rise to the attack, and taking the opportunity to cut at the root of suffering in ourselves and others?

This is hard work. You need to learn to concentrate, develop insight and your capacity for loving people. It’s a training of a lifetime. Over half my life is gone, and I’ve yet to even make a start.

The Discourse of Loving Kindness in Sutta Nipata

~ cafebedouin 
What should be done by one who's skilled in wholesomeness
To gain the state of peacefulness is this:
One must be able, upright, straight and not proud,
Easy to speak to, mild and well content,
Easily satisfied and not caught up
In too much bustle, and frugal in one's ways,
With senses calmed, intelligent, not bold,
Not being covetous when with other folk,
Abstaining from the ways the wise ones blame,
And this the thought one should always hold:
'May beings all live happy and safe
And may their hearts rejoice within themselves.
Whatever there may be with breath in life,
Whether they be frail or very strong,
Without exception, by they long or very short
Or middle-sized, or be they big or small,
Or thick, or visible, or invisible,
Or whether they dwell far or they dwell near,
Those that are here, those seeking to exist --
May beings all rejoice within themselves.
Let no one bring about another's ruin,
And not despise in any way or place,
Let not them wish each other any ill
From provocation or form enmity.
Just as a mother at the risk of life
Love and protects her child, her only child,
So one should cultivate this boundless love,
To all that live in the whole universe
Extending from a consciousness sublime
Upwards and downwards and across the world
Untroubled, free from hate and enmity,
And while one stands and while one walks and sits
Or one lies down still free of drowiness
One should be intent on this mindfulness -- 
This is the divine abiding here they say.
But when one lives quite free of any view,
Is virtuous, with perfect insight won,
And greed for sensual desires expelled,
One surely comes no more to any womb.

-The Buddha's Words in Sutta Nipata

The Story of Khantivadin, The Teacher of Patience

~ cafebedouin

Note: khanti = patience, and vadin = teacher

The king of Kausala was a very rich king… [with] five hundred wives. One day the king decided he we wanted to go on a picnic and he let his wives know this. The cooks were alerted to prepare the food, the servants to get the elephants ready with seats and decorations and the soldiers to get ready in their best uniforms.

The next morning the whole palace, the royal servants and the royal wives, set out. They came to the forest and found a beautiful meadow for their picnic. The king ate and drank too much. Immediately after lunch he fell asleep and the wives said to each other, ‘Now’s our chance. We don’t often get to go out of the palace. Let’s look around.’ They all trooped off and looked at the butterflies, the greenery and the trees and enjoyed the beauty of the forest.

Very soon they came to a little bark hut in front of which sat a very famous old sage whom they recognized as Khantivadin. All the women sat down in front of him, paid their respects and asked him to preach a sermon to them. He very willingly obliged and spoke about moral conduct, loving-kindness, and generosity.

Meanwhile the king woke up and their wasn’t a single wife to be seen anywhere. He was furious. He called the soldiers and said ‘Go! Get my wives back immediately.’ They obediently ran off into the forest and found the wives sitting in front of Khandivadin’s hut listening to a sermon.’ But the king was still under the influence of all that food and drink and couldn’t listen to reason. He told the soldiers to chase all the wives back to the meadow and then tie Khantivadin to the nearest tree. Since they were in the employ of the king, they could not do otherwise. They chased all the wives back to the meadow and tied up Khantivadin.

Then the king took a huge knife, ran up to Khantivadin in a great rage and said, ‘You old scoundrel, you. You’ve been trying to take my wives away from me.’ And he cut off one foot and said, ‘And where is your patience now?’ Khantivadin replied, ‘Not in my foot, your Majesty.” Then the king proceeded to cut the old sage to pieces while repeating the same question and each time getting the same answer, which increased his fury.

When Khantivadin was on the point of dying, the soldiers who had witnessed the spectacle, said to Khantivadin, ‘Sir, please do not curse the whole kingdom. Just curse the king.’ And Khantivadin said, “I do not curse anyone. May the king live long and happily.’ And then he died. The story says that the earth then swallowed up the king.

The next day the Buddha was informed of this happening whereupon he said, ‘Who does not act in this way has not understood my teaching.’

-Ayya Khema, “Being Nobody, Going Nowhere.” London: Wisdom Publications, 1987. pgs. 66-68.

Three Steps to Self-Compassion

~ cafebedouin

First: Make the choice that you’ll at least try a new approach to thinking about yourself. Commit to treating yourself more kindly — call it letting go of self-judgment, going easier on yourself, practicing self-compassion or whatever resonates most…

…One of the most portable and evidence-based practices for noticing our thoughts and learning to let them go is meditation. Try mindfulness meditation, which involves anchoring your attention on the breath as a tool to stay present without getting lost in judgments, stories and assumptions…

…You can also interrupt the spiral of negative self-talk by focusing your energy on something external that you care about, which can help you establish perspective and a sense of meaning beyond yourself.

The second step to self-compassion is to meet your criticism with kindness. If your inner critic says, “You’re lazy and worthless,” respond with a reminder: “You’re doing your best” or “We all make mistakes.”

But it’s step three, according to Dr. Brewer, that is most important if you want to make the shift sustainable in the long term: Make a deliberate, conscious effort to recognize the difference between how you feel when caught up in self-criticism, and how you feel when you can let go of it”

—Charlotte Leiberman, “Why You Should Stop Being So Hard on Yourself.” The New York Times. May 22, 2018.